Biz's Bday Gundam Wing Stories
by Paz Enai
Summary: These are Gundam Wing stories that I have started making for my friend Bizzy. Uhm, don't take them seriously, they are majorly just for fun, randomness with a sampling of story. There are likely to be some inside jokes, but that may increase the sillyness


_Hello, everyone. This story is going to be absolutely riddiculous. There will be more, one for each birthday, major event or holiday I deem needs a gift. Uhm. Yeah, it's largely unchecked and ... Stupid... It's kind of stupid. I hope you find it as entertaining as I did, and she did..._

Heero looked at the calendar for a full three minutes in astonishment. He couldn't believe what he had done. Never was it known that the perfect soldier, whether he messed up a little or blew up the wrong shuttle now and then, could forget a mission. Reading falsified or misleading information (usually thanks to Treiz)? Sure. Falsifying his own data? Even more sure. but actually forgetting something? Never.

Duo walked into the room at about minute 1.5 and noticed the interesting scene. As Heero usually would flee whichever room he was in if Duo entered, The braided boy decided to use this rare opportunity to his advantage and the rest of those 1.5 minutes were spent creeping closer and plotting.

By the time Heero sighed out a "damn" it was in fact too late to escape the room unharmed and the stealthy bastard in the room jumped him, taking him to the ground.

Before Heero could realize what had happened his arms were duct taped to his sides (by way of being duct taped around his torso several times) and he was being dragged by his shirt collar into the foyer. Initially, he shouted incessant curses and insults at his captor, but after a hallway of this, Duo got out the duct tape again and sealed the trapped ones mouth shut.

"Y'know, for a guy whose always tellin' me to shadddup, your pretty annoying yourself."

When Duo finally arrived at the foyer he stared thoughtfully at the stairs.

Wufei who was apparently reading a book in the adjacent sitting room heard the squirming and kicking if the other Asian boy and looked up.

"Maxwell, there is no possible way for you to drag him up those stairs."

"Ya think?"

"If you are indeed strong enough to do the dragging," an insulting jab, "he will just use the banister to wrap his legs around and barricade himself."

"Yeah… But if I carry him over my shoulder he'll kick and we'll fall, which would be LAME. And if I tape his legs together… well that just complicates things further down the way."

"And with that statement I am officially out of this conversation." Wufei said, quickly reopening his book- to the wrong page but not daring to turn back for fear of Duo noting his err and to save face.

We shant go into the details here, but somehow, without help, Duo managed to get Heero up to the second story of the building. We will mention that it is like that of the way one would carry a small child. Very like, but not quite… When up the stairs, Duo put the fuming one down, managing to only get kicked thrice and began to resume the dragging portion of his journey.

We will now take this time to describe this, increasingly apparent, large building. Once the famous Resort De la Riche, the people who owned it had fled back to their home colony during the war of AC 195, never to return. It is in fact a five-storey building. The gardens are expansive and amazingly well kept. A small one hundred square foot orchard of flowering trees flanks the right of the building. Impressive pavers stones create swirling walkways to and from the streets and parking lot and are lined with flowering shrubs and grasses in English garden fashion. What was once the parking lot has been mostly torn down and replaced with a field of small flowering grasses of mostly yellow and white. Nothing else is in this area. The parking lot still exists, but only has the space for ten cars, and as per the owner's instructions, was the farthest parking from the building. "I want people to see all the flowers and smell the purity of nature as they walk up. Besides, they can probably use the exercise."

The inside of the building is almost as colorful as the outside. The foyer, as previously mentioned is faced with glass walls and doors so that you can see the shining brilliance of the gardens outside. The sitting room, also mentioned, is a large room and doubles as a public library of sorts. It opens both into the foyer by way of a large archway and to a hallway behind by way of a mahogany door, always open. Plush couches of simple patterns in earth tones reflect the fine craftsmanship of the intricately carved mahogany bookshelves. As if to add further to this character, the many classical works on the shelves are leather bound and also add something of an appealing aroma to the air. The rest of this main floor is taken up by the three following rooms; a ballroom in reds and golds, with a touch of the intricate mahogany woodwork as accents, this is the largest room by far and takes up nearly a half of the floor; the main dining hall, which is in the center of the floor and opens into the ballroom and shares much of its taste for color, but with a brighter feel and more white accents, this is directly behind the foyer though a space of five feet from it's door is declared part of the hallway which leads to the final room; the breakfast room to the right, separated by hallway and door, from the sitting room and not much larger than it, with gold and bronze serving and cooking stations and simple tube furniture with a glass wall looking out into the orchard.

Of the first floor rooms, only the breakfast room is ever used, as it is smallest, and doubles as both an eating room and a general office room. This is where Heero was when Duo found him. Also, Wufei had seen Duo dragging Heero through the hall when the mentioned passed the open hall door.

The stairs are the type found only at resorts such as this once was, a curved double stair made of marble with gold railings curved up to the landing and making the appearance of the child of "U" and "V". This leads to a second sitting room which overlooks the foyer and into the front gardens, this one without books but rather tables and circular couches and several flat TV stations once used for sports watching en Masse. The rest of the floor, and on every other storey as in any other hotel, is taken up by visitor rooms. Though these rooms are actually suites and these suites rival that of most commoner apartments, a bath, bedroom, private sitting room, balcony, even a walk-in closet in some and of course, a small eating table, TV station, microwave, minibar and fridge.

It was to one of these which Duo was dragging our poor victim.

And before we get to far along without mentioning it, no, Quatre does not own it. Don't jump to conclusions; it's bad for you. This whole building in fact belonged to the Long clan. Those who might be asked to remember will recall that it was to a Meilan "Nataku" Long that our dear friend Mr. Chang Wufei was supposed to be (and has henceforth been declared) wed to. Ain't that a shocker. It was only furthered by the fact that he is now the last official member of each clan still known to be alive. The new government even paid for it's renovation, and modifications that Mr Chang asked for. They also now pay a stipend for his landscapers. The field of flowers of yellow and red? To remember his home colony, and the walking, well "People are getting to fat these days, if they can't walk from the lot to my front door, they don't deserve my audience."

As for our tenants inside, Wufei finally felt safe to turn back to the page he was actually on when he got disrupted, but was to intensely listening to the feat of a crazy American dragging an angry little Asian up a flight of stairs to actually continue reading. Duo was doing a victory dance and refastening his grip to start the trek and Trowa- Oh yes, we haven't mentioned he was here yet.

Well Trowa had been on the phone with our missing comrade, Quatre. Quatre had been out at some fancy-dancy meeting thing. All the Gundam pilots were in fact invited, as they are "heroes" or something like that. But all managed to come up with some excuse or other Wufei's was that he needed to convert his home to accommodate his new permanent residents while setting up the office to reopen the rest of the rooms to the public- at twice the cost it used to be, after all, how many people have stayed at a place where four out of five Ex Gundam Pilots dwell, ey? Besides, they soon discovered that none of them could cook and needed a way of justifying paying for cooks that left their government stipends wholly for personal usage. Duo managed to falsify a police report saying he was arrested for larceny and had a hearing that day. Heero managed to "fall off the face of the earth" again (Relena was, after all, required to attend). And Trowa just said 'no thanks'.

Quatre's phone conversation consisted of about one hour talking about the outfits of each participant. "Ms. Sally Po managed to lose fifteen pounds and boy does she ever look so charming in that gown!" About half an hour was about how he wished the others had come. A quarter of an hour was spent on talking about the actual events of the evening. And another hour was devoted to phone sex.

After showering thoroughly, Trowa emerged from his room and walked into the upstairs sitting room just in time to see Heero kicking over chairs and tables with Duo humming gleefully to himself.

"You taped his mouth shut." Stated captain obvious.

"Y'know how when you catch a rabbit and it starts shrieking and trying to bite you?"

"No…"

"Well it's just like that." Said Duo calmly with a shrug as he kept Heero from rising to his feet.

"You realize, Duo, that in some schools of thought what you are about to do might be known as rape?"

"I'm not going to rape him. Why would you say that?"

"Surprise sex is rape."

"If it was surprise sex, I'd a done him up right in the breakfast room while he was zoned out."

"Then what are you doing with him?"

"…" All there was to see at this instance was what can only be called 'Kitsune', you know, those tricky little foxes of Japanese legend that like to play with humans (or their lives)? Yeah imagine that, grinning and possessing our already half-feral friend Mr. Maxwell and you have a pretty good idea of the character of smile.

At this point Heero tried screaming through the duct. His valiant efforts to get free making him turn positively purple, a fact so obvious that Trowa couldn't help but state it. Duo's response was that it made the journey half the fun.

"I think he's not getting enough air through his nose, like that."

"Well, then _obviously_ he should just stop struggling." But Trowa was already taking off the tape.

"I HAVE TO BE SOMEWHERE A MONTH AGO YOU GODDAMN AMERICAN SELFISH BASTARD!"

Wufei was heard screaming about the noise level and reading. But walked outside mumbling about the ridiculousness and stupidity of humans and why he lets them stay for free.

Trowa, from the noise, had backed up to the other side of the room (which over looks the woods in back of the building). He waited a moment before stating "but if you were supposed to be there a month ago, isn't it too late?" All he got in response was a glare.

Duo, for his part was unable to hear anything after that little tirade and was waiting for the ringing in his ears to subside. When it did he tentatively asked (tentatively as to make sure he was hearing properly and that he hadn't lost some part of the usage of his ears) "What do you mean, you forgot to do something?"

"YES, so I don't have TIME for YOUR CRAP today you MOHTERF-"

"So wait no fun today?"

"It's only fun for you!"

Trowa was now trying to sneak out of the room without notice, fearful that he was about to hear something he really didn't want to know about his housemates.

Duo retorted, "Oh really then I could stop. Cause I know as well as you do that you only do this whole kicking and screaming act to save face."

Trowa then stopped. This sounded less like something he wanted to hear, but more like something he could gossip about to Quatre, which meant he could call Quat again, and after about a half-hour of speculation, they could have phone sex again. He stayed still.

"Duo, today is different I really HAVE TO GO."

Duo let go, crossed his arms and pouted. Heero didn't run. Trowa raised a brow. Wufei came back inside mumbling about how it's hard to read when you forget your book inside. Wufei left. Wufei came back inside saying that it was about lunchtime anyway and he should probably just go eat. Duo spoke.

"Well it'll only take about an hour anyway, come on, if can wait an hour cant it? 'Sides, I know, you want to. Oh you _reaaaly _want it."

Heero was silent a moment. Then "yeahh…But."

"Late is, after all, still late." Duo said, trying to look smart.

Heero's toes fidgeted in his shoes and he watched them intently. "Mmnn…" Then bit his lip.

Duo just stood there waiting for the answer he knew was working it's way out.

Heero then looked up to Duo with a puppy-eye, opened his mouth and closed it. Duo waited.

"GOOD GOD, OUT WITH IT!" Trowa cried suddenly making both jump, Duo squeaked in surprise and Heero yipped – yes yipped.

Then Heero screamed out something unintelligible and Duo resumed the dragging.

Duo winked and mouthed to Trowa, who was really confused now, 'the safety word'. Trowa paled and didn't move for about an hour, which, interestingly enough, was about the time that the two emerged from the room at the end of the hall.

"Hee, I'd put that away if I was you." Mumbled Duo.

"I can't believe it though, I mean. That's it?"

"I know I know, but seriously, put it away."

"I'm not done yet."

"Hee."

"It was too fast, I'm not done yet."

That was about when Trowa came to.

"Hee-ro."

"But- Please?"

And then Trowa could see them. Heero was wearing a different shirt, and his arms were no longer taped. It also looked like his pants had those distinguishable marks of being haphazardly thrown onto the floor. Duo looked unchanged.

Then Trowa noticed the small fuzzy thing in Heero's arms- for his arms were embracing it.

"Is that… A Hamtaro plush?"

"NO!" Heero cried out, putting the thing behind his back.

"I toldja to put it away, man."

"It's not a Hamtaro plush and I don't have Ham Ham pj's and I don't watch the show, it's a LIE!" He cried out in guilty remonstration.

"Oh of course." Fumbled Trowa, "and what else don't you have"

"Anything! I don't have the und-" And then Duo's hands slapped over his mouth.

"Of course not, now shut up, your loosing face and taking mine with it!"

Wufei then called up "Heero, phone call."

Heero ran to the stair banister and jumped to the lower floor.

"I think the Flight mode of the fight or flight kicked in," commented Duo.

"So, Duo, What the Hell?"

"No, no. I think you've heard quite enough mister. You'd do much better to forget about it."

Trowa paused, blinked a few times and then refocused on Duo. "I'm sorry, what were we talking about again?"

"How obsessed _is _Wufei with flowers anyway?"

"Seriously." Trowa replied with a nod.

Then Duo walked down the stairs after Heero.

Heero, for his part, was talking to Relena, who was, unfortunately, the voice on the other end of the line and the face he tried not to look at on the vidphone. Normally he'd ask who was on the line before coming down, but today he forgot. His vocabulary was immediately reduced to 'hmm', 'mm', 'um', and such like. Wufei was eating over his book on horticulture. Duo came in halfway through the 'conversation' and immediately started pestering Heero about that 'thing that they had to do'. Wufei looked up with a smirk knowing that there really wasn't anything that they had to do, but then returned to his book.

"Heero, how come every time I call you and Duo have to do something? I thought you didn't like him?"

"Naw, Lina, you just don't like me so you project." Duo said louder than necessary for the line to pick it up.

Relena grimaced, and huffed, then said farewell to Heero and hung up.

Heero breathed, blinked a few times and then turned to Wufei, "What was I just doing here?"

"I thought you were late getting somewhere?"

"SHIT!" and then Heero was off.

"You know, Wu, sometimes I think We're the only two without short term memory loss."

"Well, with the way Heero was banged around during the war…"

"And the way Trowa and Quat bang each other around… All, night-"

"Don't need to hear it, Duo!"

"No, you don't, cause you're in the other hall! It's annoying! Can they please move up to the third floor?"

"No cause if I start admitting guest's they'll use the third up."

"By the way, where are they going to park?"

"Yeah, I guess I should have thought about that before I tore up the parking… Well, if all of us park our motorcycles on the sidewalk…"

"And Quat's limo?"

"The driver never stays here anyway."

"You have 80 rooms. We each have 2, and reserves for friends, making the second storey off-limits, so that leaves 60… and where are they going to park in 10 spots?"

"Only two people per room. Large families will need to pay for more rooms. They'll all use one car."

"You realize that's how normal hotels are supposed to run, and that people SMUGGLE each other in?"

"Not on my watch."

"You know, you're kinda a douchebag."

"You want a cook or not?"

"True dat, son,"

"Maybe I'll buy the empty lot next door and they can park in the grass…"

"For how many thousand a night you're going to have them park in grass?"

"Here at Le Resort De la Riche we've made an effort towards Green Design with our patented parking lot system which supports the growth of natural greenery."

"You really are a Douchbag."

"Why thank you, Dick."

"No problem."

Then Heero was back, "Duo I need a pilot!"

"Uhm, for what?"

"I'm Late!"

"I know Mr. Rabbit, for a very important date!"

"Exactly. I've packed light so we just need to go to the airport and-"

"I haven't packed-"

"Oh, I packed for you too. It was implied."

"The airport aint just gunna lend us a plane, and I know neither of us has one."

"What type of thief are you again?"

"Uhm, why not just buy tickets at the terminal? We do have money… You know, the government pays us to sit on our asses, might as well spend it…"

"… So you aren't good enough to get us a plane?"

"Hold up, I aint sayin' that!"

"Good, lets go!" Heero said and fastened his hand on Duo's upper arm like a vice and started dragging him to the door.

"Or we can not get arrested and buy-"

"I don't trust normal pilots…"

"But- wait... and you want me to fly?" As that was about as close to a compliment as Duo was going to get he faltered in his argument and was silently dragged out to Heero's bike. Let it be known now, that when Heero is in a rush he trends to drive recklessly, as it were.

After about 3 non-fatal accidents and throwing a wad of cash at any victims, they finally arrived at the airport.

"You wanna know something funny, Heero? If you'd just drove slow and bought a ticket, it would have cost you less money, also, we would have got into less accidents."

But Heero was now dragging Duo around the building and onto the tracks. He pointed out a plane and they, obviously, took it over. Now, the Ex-GP aren't Assholes, so they took a plane without any peeps on it, save them, and then took off, with Duo in the cockpit. However it was a private plane and probably not cheap, so they resolved to keep radio silence and dump it somewhere when they were done so that it couldn't be tracked to them.

Heero directed Duo to the location in question via Google Maps and they 'touched down' (read "plopped") into a swamp per Heero's directions and amid protestations from Duo about 'not going to be able to take off again".

They then walked about ten or fifteen miles to their location. Heero took out a manila envelope. Duo watched anxiously not sure what the hell was going on. Heero stared at the door for another twenty minutes or so when finally his stomach growled and he realized that it as now or never. He went up to the door and slid the envelope under.

"Mission accomplished."

"What? Seriously? That was IT? Couldn't you mail it?"

"Well, initially I was going to say hi. But it appears that Biz and Bone aren't home."

"That kinda rhymes."

"Indeed."

"The train station is that wa-"

"TRAIN! WAIT, I had to STEAL a plane and FLY ALL THE ASS WAY UP HERE, and we're going to take AN EIGHT AND A HALF HOUR TRAIN RIDE HOME NOW?"

"Well you said it yourself that we'd be unable to lift off from the swamp."

"I meant 'Hey Heero, maybe we should land somewhere else'!"

"Aah, well next time say that."

"You owe me big for this one, you ass."

"Mmm. Name your price." Said Heero as his stomach growled again.

"After we eat and I'm less angry and more full."

They then started to walk out of the lot and headed to nowhere in particular hoping to find a food place on the way. As they turned out of the lot a car pulled into the parking lot. The driver saw two figures walking away, one with a peculiarly long braid, and both seemingly arguing.

She walked up to her apartment and opened her door finding an envelope with this story in it. She then quickly turned hoping to find the two young men, but they were nowhere to be found.

As for the two young men, after walking for about two hours finally got out of a residential area and found some food, which is good, as Duo was threatening to raid the kitchens of the next house. Heero kept stopping him, but with each house passed, the feral side was starting to show, luckily Heero only suffered three bites and a few minor gnaws when they found a place to eat.

And what price did Duo ask for? Well, lets say that they had to buy their own train cab for the ride down. Eight hours worth (with a half-hour break to go to the dinning car).

The end?


End file.
